A topic so dear to me that it warrants a post, even if it is the second post of the day.
Sleep………. Its great when you get it and sucks bad when you don’t.
I know you’re thinking yeah, so what. I don’t have PTSD and I feel the same way about sleep. That’s nothing special. That’s true. But there is a twist and it is fair to say that PTSD is the reason for the twist.
A PTSD mind has issues functioning at the best of time because of how things are disorganized and you are basically living in the craziest rollercoaster you could ever image mentally. Add the lack of a solid night sleep and you are adding fuel to an already burning fire. Instead of a few twists and turns throughout the day, you are no heading into an unknown number of twists and turns with a less functioning PTSD brain. Oh how fun!
So where am I going with this sleep and rollercoaster talk? Well, last night I had an absolutely shitty sleep. As I was falling into sleep land, BAM……… I was presented with a very graphic and detailed overhead image of the baby dying. I awoke with a startle and spent the next few minutes convincing myself that it was only a dream, it wasn’t real, it can hurt me. But, it didn’t really work. I laid there pondering the image for a bit. I clearly remember getting pissed off at myself for letting this happen and saying to myself “okay, drop it, time to move one”. Yep, the internal battle with yourself can happen at 1130 at night too.
When I finally fell back to sleep it was restless. Lots of tossing and turning with a few wide awake moments thrown into the mix just for fun. The end result? I got out of bed before everyone else, let the dogs out and made myself a cup of coffee. I then proceeded to spend the next 20 minutes getting myself together to face the day with minimal sleep, a graphic image still sitting there in my mind and Noah’s first hockey game of the year after lunch. You see, I have decided that even if I don’t get sleep and even if I have PTSD looming over my head, I still have to be productive.
I am proud to say that despite being exhausted mentally and a wee bit physically, I am doing okay. Heck, I even got to the gym today to try to turn things around (the gym has been my refuge – more on that later). But, I will not lie. I am looking forward to trying to get some sleep tonight and I have been advised that tomorrow is my day to sleep in. We will see how that goes.