I mentioned the other day that along the way I picked up a Depression diagnosis and it threw me for a bit of a loop in some ways. I spoke with my psychologist about it and she said that st the time of her initial diagnosis, the depression I was experiencing was consistent with PTSD symptoms and the exclusive of a separate diagnosis. But…. apparently during my psychiatric consult, the Psychiatrist felt that I was definitely in a Major Depressive episode.
In some ways, I’m okay with it as I have had the feeling that it was kicking around. In fact, I began to think that it was becoming a bigger battle to take on and explained some of what has been going on. I don’t know if I would go so far as to say that I have all the classic symptoms of depression but I will say that I have a few. They are quite noticeable and in your face when they want to be. But I am not sure if depression is accurate or not.
For me, the depression has become another layer of fog that surrounds me. it is like a shroud that covers you and changes how you see the outside world. It takes the joy out of things and is always lurking in the background, just waiting for the moment to let you know that it is still there and you are definitely ot over it yet. It really is hard to describe and put your finger on one specific thing about it. I guess the closest I can get to describing it would be to say that it is like the old amusement park “House of Mirrors” walk through. every mirror you look into gives you a different look with the difference being that each look with depression is dark and creepy.
But like PTSD, I’m trying not to let this dictate who I am or how I interat with others, as hard as it is. To me, it is just another peice of the pzzle that will be dealt with and put in its appropriate spot to complete my picture. Depression sucsk, plain and simply. It is not fun and is down right scary but it is part of me now too. I just have to conitnue to remind myself to let a little light in every once and awhile so that I can take a look around and just see all the good that is there.