I Told You So

depress2

So last night, I ended my post with the caveat that PTSD has a way of rearing its ugly face.  Well, it happened and I can assure you, it was not a self fulfilling prophecy.

My wife and I were sitting on the couch, watching tv and just winding down the night.  We started talking and reminiscing about our time in a small prairie town.  It was a jovial chat as we laughed and joked about the memories.  Then, like a fight scene from the old Batman TV series, KAPOW, PTSD right to the face.  I got up and went to the washroom to try to break the funk that was certain to follow but as I have learned time and time again, it is usually too late.  It hit me and hit me hard.

I came back to the couch and told my wife.  I explained that this is how fast PTSD can flip a situation.  I’ve also told her that she is the only thing that I need to remember from that small prairie town.  And, I stand firm in that belief as I have learned more and more that that posting afflicted a lot of damage on me.  A lot.  But out of all that chaos, I met my wife and she is the only one thing that I want to remember.

We went to bed but I knew that it wouldn’t be an awesome sleep.  I knew that it would be rough and that is exactly what happened.  I tossed and turned,  slept for a bit and laid awake for a bit.  In the end, I got up in the morning as planned and will continue with my day as planned.  And that includes heading to my Detachment’s Christmas lunch, which was causing me anxiety and nerves throughout the night because, well, why not.  PTSD likes to kick you when your down so why not add an irrational fear about eating lunch with your coworker.

But, like I said, this is my new normal.  My PTSD life and as much as it tries to take control of me, I will always fight back against it.  I will define my PTSD and not allow it to define me.

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