Author: Jay

So, this is where I am at and have been for the past couple of weeks.  I am overcome by guilt and its equally evil twin shame.  Both are completely irrational to the situation but are ever-present.  And, to top it off, are being exasperated by the Christmas season.

I know I said a lot in the first paragraph so let me break it down in a bit more detail.  Due to the nature of the incident that is at the root of the PTSD I’m dealing with, I have an unhealthy amount of guilt about it.  To be direct, I feel guilty for doing my job and not doing anything in the situation as it was outside of my role and there was nothing that could be done anyway.  Or, at least that’s how it looked.  In fact I have spent the better part of the last seven months dealing with the moral injuries that have arisen because of this guilt and the lack of action that resulted from my role as a police officer vs the hospital staff.

This guilt, tied into the moral injury, is a very different type of guilt that you might normally experience.  This has cut deep into my moral fiber and has left me questioning everything that I thought was right and everything that happened during the incident.  It has casted doubt on everything and robbed me of my confidence.  It is just as bad, if not worse, than the depression that seeps in partly due to the level of shame that it produces.  The cyclical nature of it is huge and very dangerous and goes something like this:

• a thought will invade my mind about the incident,
• I begin to delve on the thought and question what I did or didn’t do int he situation,
• The feeling of guilt begins to rise,
• Almost at the same time, I get hit with the shame stemming from my actions / inactions in the situation.
• Downward spiral begins and Depression pops its head in to say “Hello, what do we have here?  Someone struggling?  Well, let’s rock.”
• I recognize what is starting to happen and try to ground myself in the present before it gets too late.

Yep, that pretty much sums it up.

All of this always brings me back to this question “How do I forgive myself for doing my job?”

That there is the million dollar question.

Guilt, it can really mess a person up.

So last night, I ended my post with the caveat that PTSD has a way of rearing its ugly face.  Well, it happened and I can assure you, it was not a self fulfilling prophecy.

My wife and I were sitting on the couch, watching tv and just winding down the night.  We started talking and reminiscing about our time in a small prairie town.  It was a jovial chat as we laughed and joked about the memories.  Then, like a fight scene from the old Batman TV series, KAPOW, PTSD right to the face.  I got up and went to the washroom to try to break the funk that was certain to follow but as I have learned time and time again, it is usually too late.  It hit me and hit me hard.

I came back to the couch and told my wife.  I explained that this is how fast PTSD can flip a situation.  I’ve also told her that she is the only thing that I need to remember from that small prairie town.  And, I stand firm in that belief as I have learned more and more that that posting afflicted a lot of damage on me.  A lot.  But out of all that chaos, I met my wife and she is the only one thing that I want to remember.

We went to bed but I knew that it wouldn’t be an awesome sleep.  I knew that it would be rough and that is exactly what happened.  I tossed and turned,  slept for a bit and laid awake for a bit.  In the end, I got up in the morning as planned and will continue with my day as planned.  And that includes heading to my Detachment’s Christmas lunch, which was causing me anxiety and nerves throughout the night because, well, why not.  PTSD likes to kick you when your down so why not add an irrational fear about eating lunch with your coworker.

But, like I said, this is my new normal.  My PTSD life and as much as it tries to take control of me, I will always fight back against it.  I will define my PTSD and not allow it to define me.

So, maybe he’s right.  Maybe is it a matter of making way for a positive day?

Today wasn’t anything special or outstanding in any way shape or form.  In fact, it was very much a regular PTSD day.  And it went something like this….

Woke up as I usually do just after 6 am to help get my son going and ready for school.  After a cursory pat down to make sure he is not trying to smuggle Pokemon cards to school, I drop him off for the day.  I returned home and for the first time in a long time, my PTSD brain remembered that I had to register him for swimming today (small victory as I didn’t need to look at the copious amounts of “to do lists” that I have lying around to remind me of the things I need to do).  I ate breakfast and made an ill-advised choice to sit down on the couch.

What seemed like mere moments later but in reality was 2.5 hours later, I awoke from an apparent unplanned nap of epic proportions.  Now here is a bit of a flip on the norm.  Instead of sinking into a depression fueled funk because I wasted part of the day, I got up, grabbed my phone and earphones and did my Mindfulness exercise.  This turned things around and I was able to get the day going, again.

G and The Little Man got home and I was upbeat, ready and excited for them to be here.  We ate and they took off to do some shopping aka buying me my Christmas gift…..  So, as I was sitting in the house by myself, it dawned on me.  I had a pretty good PTSD day.  And I would go so far as to say that the sole reason is that instead of going negative, I make the choice to be positive and get on with things.  So maybe Bob is right.

But, I put a caveat on this positive day.  PTSD does not go down without a fight.  It has this knack of waiting til your guard is down before it will rear its ugly face when you are not ready or wanting it to happen.  That is my new normal.  Enjoying the good while you can because the bad can surface when you least want and need it.

No, I am not about to go all New Age on you.  But, I am going to tell you something that has helped me, that I walked away from and have now returned to because it helped me.  That’s right meditation.

Early on in this journey, my psychologist suggested I consider looking at mindfulness training to help deal with all the little fun side effects of PTSD an d to help me ground myself in the moment.  She went so far as to suggest an App to use so that I could simply do it at home and not have to subject myself to going out to a meditation group.  Having nothing to lose, I decided to give it a try.

I did the 10 day program for beginners and I can honestly say that I noticed a difference in my outlook and how I dealt with things that came up.  It changed my perspective to a degree and helped to calm me.  Despite these positives, I stopped.  Looking back on it, I think that this was the first time that I really allowed PTSD to win and push something out of my routine that was put there to help.  It was a direct blow against me trying to regain myself and put a condition of PTSD.  It took a number of months to figure this out.

But, like everything else that happens on this journey, you learn something new about yourself, and others but that is a whole different post.  What I learned is that you have power over PTSD but you can easily lose that power, particularly if you are not staying focussed on what needs to be done.  So, I have decided it is time to take back that power, especially considering that I have been feeling that the PTSD and Depression has been taking too much control and power away from me lately.

I will simply say that sitting down for the session just felt right.  I quickly settled in and for the next 10 minutes, I just sat there in the moment.  It felt good.  I finished relaxed and focussed on the day.  I guess sometimes, yu need to stumble backwards to learn what is needed to keep moving forward.

Shameless plug here……. for anyone wanting to know, I use the Headspace App that is available on Android and apple products.  I paid for it myself (it was not a sponsored gift) and it was worth every penny. #Headspace

I mentioned the other day that along the way I picked up a Depression diagnosis and it threw me for a bit of a loop in some ways. I spoke with my psychologist about it and she said that st the time of her initial diagnosis, the depression I was experiencing was consistent with PTSD symptoms and the exclusive of a separate diagnosis. But…. apparently during my psychiatric consult, the Psychiatrist felt that I was definitely in a Major Depressive episode.

In some ways, I’m okay with it as I have had the feeling that it was kicking around. In fact, I began to think that it was becoming a bigger battle to take on and explained some of what has been going on. I don’t know if I would go so far as to say that I have all the classic symptoms of depression but I will say that I have a few. They are quite noticeable and in your face when they want to be.  But I am not sure if depression is accurate or not.

For me, the depression has become another layer of fog that surrounds me.  it is like a shroud that covers you and changes how you see the outside world.  It takes the joy out of things and is always lurking in the background, just waiting for the moment to let you know that it is still there and you are definitely ot over it yet.  It really is hard to describe and put your finger on one specific thing about it.  I guess the closest I can get to describing it would be to say that it is like the old amusement park “House of Mirrors” walk through. every mirror you look into gives you a different look with the difference being that each look with depression is dark and creepy.

But like PTSD, I’m trying not to let this dictate who I am or how I interat with others, as hard as it is.  To me, it is just another peice of the pzzle that will be dealt with and put in its appropriate spot to complete my picture.  Depression sucsk, plain and simply.  It is not fun and is down right scary but it is part of me now too.  I just have to conitnue to remind myself to let a little light in every once and awhile so that I can take a look around and just see all the good that is there.