Category: PTSD Living

So to end the year, I figured it might be appropriate to do a bit of a personal post on a topic that is very near and dear to me.  Giving up or to put a better spin to it, Never Giving Up.

This came to a head almost a month ago and since then it has become a bit of a mantra for myself.  But it has a strange genesis that needs to be explained first.  To help motivate my son to change gears from sloth speed to that of a normal 8-year-old, I threw out a challenge to him.  I told him he had 15 minutes to finish his night-time routine and get to bed.  I even padded the time a bit and give him a few minutes grace so the deadline was 8:05.  I went to give him the five-minute warning and the look o his face said it all.  He was giving up and not having anything to do with the challenge.

I pointed out that he still had five minutes and could easily finish off the routine (only had to brush his teeth and tidy the washroom) and get into bed.  He half heartily said okay and continued to move along.  with two minutes left, he was coming to a full fledge stop and had clearly thrown in the towel, Mickey style from Rocky 3.  That’s when the competitive dad came out mixed with PTSD dad and caring/nurturing dad.  I pushed him to keep going, to continue moving forward, to forget giving up because that is something that you can not afford to do in life.

He finished and got into bed with some time to spare.  We then talked about giving up and how this is never an option.  You can never give up.  Period.  End of story.  I explained that there will be lots of times that he wants to give up but he has to keep going til he finished the task before him.  We talked about “stopping” to get yourself together to continue to fight on but you always go back to the task at hand to finish it.  I  pointed out that in life, there are going to be numerous times when quitting feels like the best thing to do and it is at those times that he will need to dig down deeper to keep going.

Over the next few weeks, I would show him videos and point out the “never give up” mentality that we were talking about.  The first example that I thought of was the |Wendy Ingraham”s 1997 Ironman finish where she crawled the last portion to finish.  (Here’s the link – https://youtu.be/MTn1v5TGK_w )  This then progressed to watching a video of Stephen Hawking giving a lecture while sitting in his wheelchair.  All the time the message of never giving up echoed from me as we talked about the videos and of others that chose to fight on.  I would mention that they all had a choice to make and decided to keep on keeping on despite the challenges that they faces. Heck, I even used my finish at Ironman Canada as an example of not giving up.  I think he got the message.

But, more importantly, I think I got the message too.  I will not sit here and try to hide the harsh reality of PTSD and paint a happy Bob Ross picture of a country side for you.  Being brutally honest about PTSD, Christmas and more specifically, the lead up to the big day was rough.  I was an emotional wreak and struggled to go out and do the things that needed to get done.  My workout schedule and diet went completely to shit, I drank too much / often, fought to get myself out in public and worked extremely hard at covering up the pain and upset that was oh so present.

It was a struggle and pushed me into some very dark spots that I did not want to be nor do I ever want to return too.  It was shitty and I told my psychologist that in those lowly, dark spaces, I could understand why people made a choice to kill themselves. (By the way, I should mention that there is no fear of any suicidal ideation on my part, read on and you will understand.)  It is relentless and bombastic in those spaces and if you are not prepared for them or aware of the options out there, it can get ugly, and fast.  I explained that even though things were bad, suicide was never an option that I entertained.  Instead, the option that came to mind was “Never Give Up”.

My psychologist understood what I was getting at and pointed out that the empathy I was talking about is something that would serve me well on this PTSD journey.  I think in many ways knowing the darkness and the pain associated with it is hard to comprehend, even now after the fact.  It is aggressive and relentless and if you don’t recognize it, it can take over your thoughts and actions faster than you can imagine.   But to me, even at the lowest and darkest, the only option for me was to Never Give Up.  Nothing more, nothing less.

I have been affected with PTSD as a result of my career but it is not the end of my career.  To be more accurate, PTSD is now part of my career.  When I retire, many years down the road from now, I will look back and see it just like any other memory I have of policing.  Yes, it will shape my career from this point forward just as it will my life with my family and friends but regardless of where my journey goes, I know that I will Never Give Up!  I’ve got too much to do and people than depend on me getting it done.

 

Yep it’s that time of the year, in fact, it is midday on Christmas Eve as I type this out.

I haven’t really mentioned the holidays too much on purposes, as I have been trying to focus on just enjoying it and not dwelling on my PTSD.  And, I will be brutally honest and say that it has not been easy.  There have been more times than not that out of the blue I have been overcome with emotion.  I have broken down in tears as Christmas music plays in the background and I have had a few times that I had to walk out of stores, leaving a cart with items in it.  Christmas is hard at times even when things are good for a person but with PTSD, Christmas gets harder.

Despite this, I continue to focus on enjoying the season.  I have pushed myself to go out to the stores, to buy gifts, and to get the house ready for the big day.  If I had to identify the one thing that has kept me going, I would be able to say, without hesitation that it is my son.  His excitement for the arrival of Santa has had the ability to push the dark away and make me see the joy and happiness that has been alluding me.  This morning was the icing on the cake because he was up early and searching the Santa Tracker to see where the big guy is.  He is excited, pumped, thrilled and down right spilling over with happiness.  And the best part is that is infectious.

So, with that I will keep it short today and say Merry Christmas but ask that everyone take the time to reach out to that one member of your family or maybe a friend who is withdrawn or down.  Call them or visit them to say hi and wish them a Merry Christmas.  That one act could potentially save someone.

 

So, this is where I am at and have been for the past couple of weeks.  I am overcome by guilt and its equally evil twin shame.  Both are completely irrational to the situation but are ever-present.  And, to top it off, are being exasperated by the Christmas season.

I know I said a lot in the first paragraph so let me break it down in a bit more detail.  Due to the nature of the incident that is at the root of the PTSD I’m dealing with, I have an unhealthy amount of guilt about it.  To be direct, I feel guilty for doing my job and not doing anything in the situation as it was outside of my role and there was nothing that could be done anyway.  Or, at least that’s how it looked.  In fact I have spent the better part of the last seven months dealing with the moral injuries that have arisen because of this guilt and the lack of action that resulted from my role as a police officer vs the hospital staff.

This guilt, tied into the moral injury, is a very different type of guilt that you might normally experience.  This has cut deep into my moral fiber and has left me questioning everything that I thought was right and everything that happened during the incident.  It has casted doubt on everything and robbed me of my confidence.  It is just as bad, if not worse, than the depression that seeps in partly due to the level of shame that it produces.  The cyclical nature of it is huge and very dangerous and goes something like this:

• a thought will invade my mind about the incident,
• I begin to delve on the thought and question what I did or didn’t do int he situation,
• The feeling of guilt begins to rise,
• Almost at the same time, I get hit with the shame stemming from my actions / inactions in the situation.
• Downward spiral begins and Depression pops its head in to say “Hello, what do we have here?  Someone struggling?  Well, let’s rock.”
• I recognize what is starting to happen and try to ground myself in the present before it gets too late.

Yep, that pretty much sums it up.

All of this always brings me back to this question “How do I forgive myself for doing my job?”

That there is the million dollar question.

Guilt, it can really mess a person up.

So last night, I ended my post with the caveat that PTSD has a way of rearing its ugly face.  Well, it happened and I can assure you, it was not a self fulfilling prophecy.

My wife and I were sitting on the couch, watching tv and just winding down the night.  We started talking and reminiscing about our time in a small prairie town.  It was a jovial chat as we laughed and joked about the memories.  Then, like a fight scene from the old Batman TV series, KAPOW, PTSD right to the face.  I got up and went to the washroom to try to break the funk that was certain to follow but as I have learned time and time again, it is usually too late.  It hit me and hit me hard.

I came back to the couch and told my wife.  I explained that this is how fast PTSD can flip a situation.  I’ve also told her that she is the only thing that I need to remember from that small prairie town.  And, I stand firm in that belief as I have learned more and more that that posting afflicted a lot of damage on me.  A lot.  But out of all that chaos, I met my wife and she is the only one thing that I want to remember.

We went to bed but I knew that it wouldn’t be an awesome sleep.  I knew that it would be rough and that is exactly what happened.  I tossed and turned,  slept for a bit and laid awake for a bit.  In the end, I got up in the morning as planned and will continue with my day as planned.  And that includes heading to my Detachment’s Christmas lunch, which was causing me anxiety and nerves throughout the night because, well, why not.  PTSD likes to kick you when your down so why not add an irrational fear about eating lunch with your coworker.

But, like I said, this is my new normal.  My PTSD life and as much as it tries to take control of me, I will always fight back against it.  I will define my PTSD and not allow it to define me.

So, maybe he’s right.  Maybe is it a matter of making way for a positive day?

Today wasn’t anything special or outstanding in any way shape or form.  In fact, it was very much a regular PTSD day.  And it went something like this….

Woke up as I usually do just after 6 am to help get my son going and ready for school.  After a cursory pat down to make sure he is not trying to smuggle Pokemon cards to school, I drop him off for the day.  I returned home and for the first time in a long time, my PTSD brain remembered that I had to register him for swimming today (small victory as I didn’t need to look at the copious amounts of “to do lists” that I have lying around to remind me of the things I need to do).  I ate breakfast and made an ill-advised choice to sit down on the couch.

What seemed like mere moments later but in reality was 2.5 hours later, I awoke from an apparent unplanned nap of epic proportions.  Now here is a bit of a flip on the norm.  Instead of sinking into a depression fueled funk because I wasted part of the day, I got up, grabbed my phone and earphones and did my Mindfulness exercise.  This turned things around and I was able to get the day going, again.

G and The Little Man got home and I was upbeat, ready and excited for them to be here.  We ate and they took off to do some shopping aka buying me my Christmas gift…..  So, as I was sitting in the house by myself, it dawned on me.  I had a pretty good PTSD day.  And I would go so far as to say that the sole reason is that instead of going negative, I make the choice to be positive and get on with things.  So maybe Bob is right.

But, I put a caveat on this positive day.  PTSD does not go down without a fight.  It has this knack of waiting til your guard is down before it will rear its ugly face when you are not ready or wanting it to happen.  That is my new normal.  Enjoying the good while you can because the bad can surface when you least want and need it.